April 1, 2020
Dear COVID-19,This past weekend, I finally understood how I was feeling.
I struggled to cope with the new normal, us humans are facing.
I lost motivation. I had headaches. I had trouble sleeping. I woke up with more headaches.
There was a discomfort I couldn't pinpoint. I didn't know how to express this feeling in me.
Then it finally hit me.
I was watching Hallmark Christmas movies till the AM with my big sister who already fell asleep.
It was six something in the morning. I decided it's time to sleep. I walked past the door. I saw light coming in I walked towards the door, looking out the window. There was no sun, but the sky spilled some light on earth.
I opened the door. I stood between the door and the gates. The sky looked different. Even with no sun shining, the light the sky shed back on earth felt different to me. The air felt cold against my nose. I breathed in the coldness. I heard the sounds of birds chirping with my ears. The view from the house looked different. There was pureness. There was perfection. There was beauty I haven't seen in so long through all the chaos you've created in our world.
I closed the door and stared into the faces' of my woken up family members from hearing the door open, all worried and yelling at me. I had no idea my one action of light could cause so much ruckus in the household. I just wanted to go outside and see the light the sky created.
I headed to bed. It was about 6:20 AM. I started crying. I knew what I was feeling then and there.
I wanted my life back. I wanted my senior year back.
I held my red bear in my arms under the covers in hopes I will stop crying with some comfort.
I didn't.
I cried my eyes out silently, afraid my family will hear me. Until 7:20 AM.
My chest was heavy. My throat was tightening. My heart hurt.
I was grieving. Grieving for my senior year.
No more going to the gym. No more roomie talks in person. No more attending school events. No more walking down to eat at the Gastronome. No more graduation in May. The list goes on.
I buried my grief through school and work, adjusting to the new normal: online learning and remote work.
I did Instagram story challenges: draw a fruit, post a picture and tag 10 females to spread positivity and women empowerment. I played GamePigeon with friends. I read the news. I watched Hallmark Christmas movies. These were all my ways of coping and I didn't realize that until now.
My behavior wasn't as reckless as others' actions, but I now knew why they did what they did. They were coping.
When we are not in control, in unknown territory, or dealing with trauma, we may do things that are crazy and wild. No one, besides me, would stay up watching Christmas movies and walk into the cold at 6 in the morning just to see the sky.
My actions and feelings were my way of coping with everything since you uprooted my life and everyone else's.
There was fear of how people saw me as I am Chinese. There was anxiety when I faced racism at night as a car drove passed with a man shouting something at me related to you, COVID-19. There was fear for the health and safety of my family when I returned home after knowing three students at my school were self-isolated after returning from a conference. There was anxiety when I did grocery shopping with my sister or mom. There was fear of how I will adjust to my environment for my studies. There was anxiety for those I care for who are immunocompromised. The list goes on.
My feelings and emotions are on a rollercoaster ride. I went from fear, to okay, to joking, to denial, to grief, to sadness, to anger, to acceptance, to moving forward. All of this in a span of three weeks when you hit real close to home.
The rollercoaster of emotions and feelings continue. Everyday.
This grieving process of healing is a challenge: mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's like a breakup. I don't know when the pain you caused to all will be over.
No one knows if you will leave or stay like the flu. A new normal that has its own season, like flu season, each year.
Even when you finally blow over, who knows how people will see Asian Americans who apply for jobs. Racism may continue or even more so. Fear may still reign. Some businesses may never see the light of day again. The list goes on.
You have uprooted so many lives. You have taken many lives.
You defined 2020.
You tainted my memory of college.
Please, I beg of you to leave.
I'm not religious but I pray and I added you to the list.
I pray for you to leave us, for us to return back to normal before you came along.
Please leave so this nightmare will end.
I will continue praying for you to be gone until you are.
Yours Truly,
A Heartbroken Asian-American College Senior, Class of 2020
(College Edition)
